“Genius of Love” by the Tom Tom Club
In the course of conversation people ask me why I moved to Los Angeles. When I explain it to people, I say it was the best worst decision I have ever made, because I moved to Los Angeles for a guy. I say this because I don’t think I ever would have stepped foot in Los Angeles and never would have experienced this city that I love and met the people who changed my life had I not made what turned out to be a bad decision. I also say this because although that relationship was an unhealthy relationship, I learned more about myself in the five-ish years that we were together than any other time in my life. I could spend this entire post talking about a boy who did me wrong, but in a way it was the wrong that has inspired me to approach a lot of things differently, especially romantic relationships and when it comes standing up for myself in personal relationships. Hence, it I say it was the best worst decision of my life.
The song that reminds me of this chapter in my life is “Genius of Love” by the Tom Tom Club. I had assigned that song as this guy’s ring on my tiny itty bitty Nokia phone, I remember being so excited when I would hear…
“I’m in heaven, with my boyfriend, my laughing boyfriend”
At the time that was his ringtone, we were living half a country away from each other. When I had decided to move to Los Angeles, the non-profit where I had spent seven years was having severe financial trouble. My pay and hours got cut and I was making ends meet at a cafe as a barista. I was working a lot and getting nowhere. My job and job prospects were disappearing, (I am sure this late 2000s/early 2010s story sounds familiar to you.) I thought I would give Los Angeles and being in the same city a try.
Before making that big decision I was happy being comfortable. I didn’t take risks. Moving halfway across the country was one of the biggest risks I had taken in a long time, if not ever. It got me to a city that I still love, even after 12 years. I have met amazing people who feel like family. (Many who have been and will be featured as part of this project.) That wouldn’t have happened if I had stayed in Minneapolis instead. I say it was a good decision because I learned a lot about myself and what is acceptable. There were so many pieces of wisdom that I took from this utter failure of a relationship.
Here is what I took with me and drilled into my head, so I did not make the same mistake because I felt like I was falling in love with the same person over and over.
First I needed to learn how to be alone
I was a serial monogamist and to me being alone=failure and being miserable was more acceptable to me than being alone. I don’t think I liked myself enough and thought putting up with bullshit was better than being alone. Once I learned how to be alone, and at times preferred it, I found that my bullshit meter and red flag spidey senses were on high alert when meeting new potentials. I was like “fuck it, I don’t have to put up with this; I’d rather eat a whole popcorn by myself at the CGV.” But I had to practice at this and at the end of it I got to know myself, what I liked about myself, what I liked in general, and wasn’t liking something because of how my liking something or not would be agreeable to someone else. I needed to grow a spine all by myself. I learned this a little late in life, but hey, better late than never.
The next person I was with needed to play well with others
Beware if they constantly burn bridges with people, thinking of all relationships as temporary. This doesn’t bode well for you in a relationship with them. Someone who doesn’t play well with others and needs to get their way all the time, even if it makes you uncomfortable to experience or witness. This is another red flag I noticed in another lover of no definition after this relationship, but fits in this category… Do they treat people in the service industry like crap? Seeing what people are like when they are minorly inconvenienced is very telling. Also, having to make excuses all the time for their behavior is lame.
How are you when you are with them?
Are you yourself? Are you positive? Are you negative? Are they negative? If you don’t feel the way you want to feel in general with your person, but do with others, maybe you should change the person you hang with. I used to annoy the crap out of myself with how negative I was all the time. This was bad, that was bad, I just think all I felt was bad so bad is what came out.
There is a lot more, but these were the ones that I thought of every time I dated anyone else. Is being alone preferable? Does the way they treat people make you uncomfortable? When is the last time you said anything positive?
“If you see him, please remind him, unhappy boyfriend”
MY FINAL SONG… a Minneapolis icon